I made gingerbread people! :)  Merry Christmas!

200 cookies. I baked two hundred freaking cookies for Christmas only to wake up on Christmas eve to find nothing left but crumbs!!!!  I’m going to hurt someone when I’ve finished screaming, sobbing, and smacking my head against the wall.

My favorite holiday memory. It was either 94 or 95 so I was 14 or 15, anyhow, I came down the stairs at the buttcrack of dawn, per Christmas tradition, to sit awhile and stare at the pretty presents… I mean tree.  So, there I stood in the living room, in awe of the delicate beauty before me when suddenly I heard a god awful sound behind me, the sound of a drunk snore, (you know the kind where you think someone is trying to inhale a mac truck through their nostrils).  I quickly turned to be confronted by the sight of my half naked mother, snoring on the couch and bottle of zima still in her hand while the reflections of Christmas lights bounced off her bleach-blonde head.  Ah, Christmas!

So, I run to Walgreens to drop $10 on children’s cold medicine and chapstick and the people in line in front of me had a cart full of stocking stuffers. The jealously that spiked through me came suddenly; I will be stuck going out the last two nights before Christmas, scrambling to gather up convenience store leftovers, trying to finish up my sporadic shopping.  Oh, how I hate shopping for stocking stuffers, the struggle to ensure that everyone from the kids to great grandma has equally stuffed stockings filled with the most tolerable cheap shit the dollar store has to offer.  Then there will be my stocking, limp and deficient like an old man whose run out of viagra.  I will undoubtedly forget to purchase for my own stocking and I have learned not to expect anyone else to either.

I was able to get a majority of Christmas shopping done today! However, with my husbands odd work hours he had me buy my own gifts… I think I may have short-changed myself. Should have bought more yarn.

Because nothing will inspire you to get wasted faster than having to deal with relatives.

“Santa Lost A Ho” by the Christmas Jug Band

Once again it’s that time of year when you painstakingly scour your address book to ensure that you don’t forget to send a Christmas card to any relative who will hold “being snubbed” against your for the rest of your life.

I only enjoy baking, (or cooking), as long as no one else comes near the kitchen.  My mother, however, thinks holiday baking should be a “group” effort.  Luckily, she wants to make rum balls so I won’t have to buy any extra alcohol that’s needed to tolerate any “family bonding” experiments.

I love to sing this to my kids; they get so huffy and offended.

So far decorating for Christmas has led to a broken bookshelf, a busted table a cut on my hand and an slight rash. And I still haven’t gotten the damn tree out of the garage!

Tried to move bookcase two inches to the right to make room for a Christmas tree; bottom half broke away and the thing collapsed. Will resist the urge to throw 200 displaced books at overly smug husbands head for saying: “I told you to empty it first.”